It Is Well With My Soul, 2nd Stanza

Ever have one of those days where you were so emotionally sensitive that seeing a jar of peanut butter almost caused you to burst into tears?!? Today was one of those days for me. And right now at 11:45pm the feeling hasn't past yet.

Sometimes, I wish I could just completely and utterly, from the depths of my gutt bawl like a child with sheer exhaustion! Ever feel like that? Jesus did. Jesus felt the same emotions we feel. Jesus cried, and probably not as neatly as our modern English makes it seem. "Jesus wept." (John 11:35) It sounds so tidy and neat. So composed and so refined. As if he were some ultra clean-cut, red tied, business suit wearing, red hanky carrying dignitary from the highest ranks in Washington-- patting away a single tear as it slowly meandered down over his plump tan-less cheek.

My Jesus did not weep. He BAWLED! He was an exhausted scrawny, long scraggly haired, fuzzy bearded, sun drenched, long dingy robed, worn out sandals wearing Savior of the World interrupted in his journey by his very dear friend's untimely death. When Jesus arrived on the scene, he was scorned and questioned for not having arrived on time to heal his friend. He was mocked for calling himself the Savior of the World, and yet he couldn't save his dearest friend from death. Even his closest friends and disciples doubted and wondered about who He said He was.

And yet in the middle of it all, he collapse alongside Mary and Martha and wailed the cry of death! Surely he poured out his anguish until he ached in his gutt. Jesus was FULLY human! Is this not how we cry at the loss of a loved one? He was also FULLY God! He knew that the crowd of mourners would doubt His Deity. He knew that Lazarus would die. He knew that He would also raise Lazarus to life again! And so He, being fully human and fully God, shouted to the dead man in the grave "Come Out!" And Lazarus came out-- alive AND well!

So do you think Jesus cares about how I felt today? Fully covered in grief and emotion? I did not lose a loved one, but my sorrow seems just as great to me. The longing and aching in my soul is just as real to me as any death could be. There is no greater pain than to have had something to only lose it, taken from you by God. The reason for this loss? That's between me and God. Will it ever be returned to me again? I beg God that it will. Will the dream ever die? Probably not. Will I ache forever? Maybe. For the last 10 years, the aching has come and gone. Today it is back. Today I mourn. Today I cry out from the depths of despair! Today I beg God to give me back that part of me that is so dear. Today I do not doubt Him. Today I do not cry, "if only..." Today I simply fall to my knees and cry, and cry, and cry. But not alone. Today I had my dearest friend of all join me. Jesus.

Though Satan should buffet,
Though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control:
The Lord hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed his own blood for my soul.

It is well with my soul!