The last couple days have been pretty intense. So much so, that when I say my heart was aching, I mean just that. Today my heart literally hurt from the burden I've been carrying. As I left the house this afternoon for a heart to heart with a trusted friend, my husband hugged me good-bye as he said this to me: "Mindi, I love you so much! I am so lucky to have you as my wife." As I walked out the door to the van, I thought (almost scratching my head)... "Man, I don't get it. Does he really mean that?!?" I don't doubt him. Rather, I am astonished!
This evening, I have been reflecting on all the things that God is trying to work in me the last couple weeks. I feel very overwhelmed. I am even more perplexed my husband can say that he loves me so much and that HE is lucky to have ME as his wife. This makes me consider the fact that Jesus also loves me even more and far beyond the way my husband does-- unconditionally!
I feel so unworthy of both of their love. I know this is not where God wants me to stay-- feeling so unworthy. But for now, that is where he has me. The burden I have been carrying certainly feels lighter. But the pain, the aching in my heart, is a reminder that God is working, and that I can't go through this without his strength and his power. He is not yet done doing whatever it is he needs to do in my heart and in my life at this time.
So, dear Jesus, on with the open heart surgery! Search me, Oh God, and know my HEART today. Test me... show me my wickedness... cleanse me... and SET ME FREE! So that I can walk with you towards Heaven, keeping my eyes on you.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
"Love your wife... just like Christ loves The Church"
Yesterday, I came home from visiting my sisters. My kids all bowled me over with hugs and kisses, and squeals of joy, "MOMMY!!!" My husband grabbed me and hugged me and kissed me too. I couldn't let go. It was so great to be home!
At one point this past weekend my sister said something to me like this: It's funny how out of all the guys you dated that well, were not the best for you, you ended up with such a wonderful husband and a wonderful marriage. I can't remember her exact words, but that's the gist of it. I was kinda at a loss for words at that moment, I guess because I was so humbling to hear her analysis of my marriage.
As I thought about it on my drive home, all night last night, and most of today, I am very humbled. And very proud! We work hard out our marriage and it shows, even my sister sees it.
We have to work hard at it. But sometimes, it's not so hard... when we are both seeking to do God' will. Let me explain: I spent most of the day strugging with something that kept coming to my mind. I couldn't determine if it was God showing me an area in my life that I needed to deal with and I needed healed from.... OR if it was flesh causing me to doubt choices I have made or tempting me to turn and go the wrong way. Looking back, I think it was both. None the less, it was something that really was paining my heart. I didn't want to talk about it, not out of fear of what my husband would think/say, but out of my own brokenness. I didn't want to admit that God was trying to deal with something in my life that would certainly affect my marriage. I spent the whole drive home praying, begging God to show me what to do. I scanned the radio for over 2 hours praying God would speak to me through a song on the radio. I listened to the Bible on tape at a section where I felt called to listen. I listened to praise and worship music. I sat in silence. I prayed and then sat. Then prayed some more and then sat. Finally, I arrived home... still no answers.
As we went to bed late last night, I was dying inside. I could hear God telling me to tell my husband what was on my heart. But I literally couldn't open my mouth. So, I prayed, "Lord Jesus, please, if you want me tell him and that is the best thing to do in his situation, then please have him ask me what I am thinking." Wouldn't you know it... he asked within seconds of my prayer! It was not me, but Christ through me, that opened my mouth. Before I knew it, I asked him to turn the light on. God with his strength, helped me to pour out my heart to him.
My honey grabbed me and pulled me close to him. He held me tight and then asked, "What can WE do about it?" Then as he held me in his arms, he prayed allowed for me. He prayed for my heart, my mind, and God's direction. What happened next??? The burden, the pain, the feelings vanished!
My husband says he is always reminded of the challenge layed before him during our wedding ceremony: "You are to love Mindi, just like Christ loves The Church." He did just that. What a beautiful example of that! Just as my husband showed me that kind of love, that is exactly how our Heavenly Father loves us too. When our heart is full of pain, when we are broken, when we are full of thoughts that we in our own strength can't deal with, He is waiting to pull us close to Him, to hold us ever so close in His arms. The Holy Spirit prays for us on our behalf in line with the Will of God for our life. And our Heavenly Father lifts the burden, the pain, the hurt... it vanishes!
Thank you Michael, for loving me the way Jesus Christ loves The Church. Thank you for being my husband and the love of my life, as WE Keep Our Eyes On Jesus.
At one point this past weekend my sister said something to me like this: It's funny how out of all the guys you dated that well, were not the best for you, you ended up with such a wonderful husband and a wonderful marriage. I can't remember her exact words, but that's the gist of it. I was kinda at a loss for words at that moment, I guess because I was so humbling to hear her analysis of my marriage.
As I thought about it on my drive home, all night last night, and most of today, I am very humbled. And very proud! We work hard out our marriage and it shows, even my sister sees it.
We have to work hard at it. But sometimes, it's not so hard... when we are both seeking to do God' will. Let me explain: I spent most of the day strugging with something that kept coming to my mind. I couldn't determine if it was God showing me an area in my life that I needed to deal with and I needed healed from.... OR if it was flesh causing me to doubt choices I have made or tempting me to turn and go the wrong way. Looking back, I think it was both. None the less, it was something that really was paining my heart. I didn't want to talk about it, not out of fear of what my husband would think/say, but out of my own brokenness. I didn't want to admit that God was trying to deal with something in my life that would certainly affect my marriage. I spent the whole drive home praying, begging God to show me what to do. I scanned the radio for over 2 hours praying God would speak to me through a song on the radio. I listened to the Bible on tape at a section where I felt called to listen. I listened to praise and worship music. I sat in silence. I prayed and then sat. Then prayed some more and then sat. Finally, I arrived home... still no answers.
As we went to bed late last night, I was dying inside. I could hear God telling me to tell my husband what was on my heart. But I literally couldn't open my mouth. So, I prayed, "Lord Jesus, please, if you want me tell him and that is the best thing to do in his situation, then please have him ask me what I am thinking." Wouldn't you know it... he asked within seconds of my prayer! It was not me, but Christ through me, that opened my mouth. Before I knew it, I asked him to turn the light on. God with his strength, helped me to pour out my heart to him.
My honey grabbed me and pulled me close to him. He held me tight and then asked, "What can WE do about it?" Then as he held me in his arms, he prayed allowed for me. He prayed for my heart, my mind, and God's direction. What happened next??? The burden, the pain, the feelings vanished!
My husband says he is always reminded of the challenge layed before him during our wedding ceremony: "You are to love Mindi, just like Christ loves The Church." He did just that. What a beautiful example of that! Just as my husband showed me that kind of love, that is exactly how our Heavenly Father loves us too. When our heart is full of pain, when we are broken, when we are full of thoughts that we in our own strength can't deal with, He is waiting to pull us close to Him, to hold us ever so close in His arms. The Holy Spirit prays for us on our behalf in line with the Will of God for our life. And our Heavenly Father lifts the burden, the pain, the hurt... it vanishes!
Thank you Michael, for loving me the way Jesus Christ loves The Church. Thank you for being my husband and the love of my life, as WE Keep Our Eyes On Jesus.
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